Toward Kindness Equilibrium
Three Steps to Take Today to Cultivate a Kinder Planet
Happy Thanksgiving, Shelf Life friends. Today is for reflecting on what you’re thankful for. I’m thankful that you’re reading this, though I have no idea why you do. Also for the safety, health, and well-being of my loved ones. And a little bit for pumpkin pie.
I’m also thankful for the gift that October Catherine gave Today Catherine when I wrote Kindness Confidential. It got too long so I clipped out 1,000 words and squirreled them away, giving myself the gift of having to write only half of this article today. A welcome gift indeed during a week where I am running behind on everything.
Kindness equilibrium is exactly what it sounds like. It’s the principle of adding more kindness to the world so that there can be some semblance of balance between kindness and unkindness. Right now there is unquestionably more unkindness than otherwise. There’s a global kindness deficit, the situation is dire, and it might be tipping toward irreversibility, but it’s not beyond repair—yet. If everyone were to make an effort, even a small effort, to be a little more kind, then the planet might be able to reach an equilibrium or even tip over into being kinder than it is unkind. Today’s article offers three small suggestions for helping things along in that direction.
1. Be Kind to Yourself First
This is like putting on your oxygen mask in a plane crash. You’re not going to be able to help anyone else unless you act swiftly to help yourself before you try to take care of others.
When I first got deeply depressed, about six or seven years ago, I would do things that were terrible for me out of a misguided sense of “being kind to myself.” Just eat the junk food. Sleep twelve hours, why not? Scroll through the internet all day. Skip your workout. Cancel your plans to relax. Don’t try to make yourself do anything hard. Be kind to yourself.
None of those things are actually kind, though. It’s kind to give yourself a break from time to time, but it’s not kind to yourself to totally lapse on the things that keep you healthy. I might have been acting nice toward myself, but I wasn’t being kind. Treating yourself with true kindness is more challenging, but here are some ways to start.
Eliminate Negative Self-Talk
Don’t let your inner monologue be nasty to you. Listen carefully to the way your inner voice talks. Does it beat you up? Put you down? Are you hyper critical of your appearance, of your work product/work ethic, or of your communication with others? I for one find myself after pretty much every single conversation thinking, “Wow, I can’t believe I said something that stupid.” I would never tolerate anyone else talking to me like that, and I would absolutely step in if I heard someone say that to another person.
You should try to speak to yourself with at least the same level of kindness and respect you use with other people. When you engage in mean self-talk, you desensitize yourself to other mean kinds of talk. Even if mean self-talk doesn’t lead to you speaking to others in mean ways, you might not notice when others are speaking to you in mean ways because you’re used to hearing it from yourself. Try to treat yourself at least as well as you treat others, and demand a similar level of kindness and respect in the way others speak to you. Retrain your brain.
Ask yourself: Would Rick Astley talk to me like this? Reader, he would not.
Give Yourself What You Need
Get enough sleep, enough water, and healthy food. I can’t lecture anybody about getting exercise because I am the worst about that but you should also try to make sure you get the level of physical activity you need. Indulging in comfort food and other unhealthy habits is fine in moderation, but generally you should try to look after your health so you don’t get sick, physically or mentally.
When you’re run down and you want to take a break from life, healthy habits are the first ones to go in the name of kindness. It’s not just the big three (sleep, diet, exercise) but also things like putting off making or going to doctor’s appointments, not showering regularly, or skipping your skincare routine.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t take a nap, drink a beer, or eat a slice of cake. Give yourself a break from cooking once in a while, skip the workout in favor of a nap if you’re super tired, put the journal in a drawer for a week if you need some unstructured time. Whatever. Just don’t let it snowball from a break into a lifestyle. Try to make sure you’re taking care of yourself physically, in a meaningful way, on a regular basis. If you have trouble forming healthy habits, I have some advice.
Just Say No
Say no to things you don’t have bandwidth for or don’t want to do. “No,” in the context of whether you will or will not do something, is a neutral statement. It’s not inherently unkind. It’s just conveying information about whether you’re going to do something. People—and especially specific demographic groups of people who have been socialized to be agreeable and we all know who I mean—are conditioned to reflexively say yes to requests because there’s a perception that saying no is disagreeable. It’s not. It’s fine to say no.
If you’re saying no to something, say it as kindly as you can and then move on. You don’t need to give someone an explanation for why you’re saying no if you don’t want to. You definitely don’t need to make up a fake reason for saying no. You can say, “I don’t have the energy for that” or “I’m too busy to commit to that.” When I’m pressed for a reason, sometimes I’ll even say “I don’t want to” or “I’m not interested” if that’s the truth. “No” is a full sentence. You don’t need to elaborate unless you want to.
This doesn’t mean never do anything you don’t feel like doing. Most of us have to cook sometimes, take out the trash sometimes, go to work, pay the rent, maintain the friendships. But don’t say yes to requests out of obligation when you genuinely don’t have the time or energy to commit. Don’t take on a new responsibility at work or agree to go to happy hour if you just don’t have it in you. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. That won’t work out for anyone. Don’t say yes to someone’s request for your time and energy if you don’t have it to give. That’s only being nice to them and it’s definitely being unkind to yourself.
On the flip side of this, it’s kind to invite people to things but it’s not kind to keep pushing them after they’ve told you no.
2. Add One Percent
This simply means: However much kindness the world shows you in a given hour, or day, or year, try to give back at least that much plus one percent. Basically, whatever kindness you receive, try to give it back plus at least a little kindness interest. If someone is kind to you, enjoy that boost and try to share it with another person. If someone is mean or unkind to you, put a little kindness into the world somewhere else to make up for their lack.
There are 8 billion people on the planet and if all of us tried to put out one percent more kindness then the world would be 8 billion percent more kind. Look I don’t make the rules, that's just how math works.
This doesn’t mean you have to be kind to someone who is unkind to you or to someone who is unkind generally, although, in my experience, showing kindness to unkind people can give them a nudge in the right direction. You have to be pretty dedicated to being unpleasant to continue to be nasty in the face of someone who is being kind to you. If you can stomach offering kindness to an unkind person, then do. If you can’t, then take their unkindness and turn it into kindness for someone else.
Keep in mind that this is the second step. Being kind to yourself first needs to take priority over generating extra kindness and putting it out into the world. If you just don’t have it in you on any given day to return the kindness you get, then don’t. Pay it back out there some other time when you’re feeling better.
One percent additional kindness is an easy incremental increase. It’s only one percent. It won’t take that much out of you. But if everyone could put forth just one percent more kindness than what they receive, we’d be a lot closer to kindness equilibrium or even a world with more kindness than unkindness. The world’s not going to just change itself.
3. Commit Regular Acts of Kindness
I try to do a number of kindnesses in the course of a month that is equal to the number of days in the month. On average, something kind every day. They don’t have to be big. Sometimes a few are big and most are small. Sometimes they’re all small. They don’t have to take up too much of your time. Not everyone has a lot of available energy and time to just throw around. But I think everyone can find a little kindness to share on a regular basis.
Kindness doesn’t have to be showy or complicated, and it also don’t have to cost you a cent. Writing letters is one of my favorite ways to spread joy around but even that costs $0.55. There are plenty of things you can do without spending a dime. I’ll put together my top ten in a future article but if you’re not sure how to get started right now, just reach out to someone you haven’t talked to in awhile and see how they are. That’s something anyone can do and it’s totally free.
Figure out what is a good schedule for you to commit acts of kindness. I try to find something each day that I can do, but I don’t beat myself up if I miss a day. Some days I do two things. Some days I do several. Some days none. A friend of mine schedules kindness time on her calendar each week. Whatever is a reasonable goal for you, carve out some time in your schedule to make sure you do it.
The critical thing is not necessarily the acts themselves or the effect the acts have on others. You’ll form a habit of acting kindly and thinking about kindness. If you make a point of doing kind things regularly, you will create a mindset of looking for ways to do everyday things more kindly or for opportunities to reach out to others with kindness.
A friend of mine tried this, piloted the program you could say, and he came back and said “You know, it was exhausting at first.” It is. Retraining your brain to notice things that were not on your radar before takes energy. Ask a potty-mouthed new parent how easy it is to stop cursing. Once you’ve taught your brain to notice them, though, you’ll see quick and easy opportunities for kindness all around you—all the time.
TL;DR: Retrain your brain to look for occasions to be kind to others—and to yourself.
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