Kindness Confidential
When to Be Nice, When to Be Kind, How to Tell the Difference
“Semantics? I'm always up for some antics!”
—Martin Riggs (Lethal Weapon 3)
I’ve been putting off and putting off writing this article, because the topic is so important to me. At the same time, though, the subject of kindness—and what I mean when I talk about being kind or committing an act of kindness—comes up over and over in so many of the topics that I have in the Shelf Life editorial calendar. I’ve realized I need to tackle it head on and early so that these thoughts will be in your mind as you read future articles.
This issue may seem like it isn’t part of the Shelf Life mission of sharing word-oriented knowledge and information but, I promise, this is a very word-related theme. It also has broad applications for both writing and editing that I’m looking forward to exploring in articles to come.
Fine Distinctions
What’s the difference between the word nice and the word kind? I don’t mean to be pedantic but I’m going to start in the dictionary. It’s easy to think of these words as synonyms, because kind people are also often nice, and vice versa. But if you dissect them, they have wildly different meanings.
Nice
Nice. It means to be polite or agreeable, as in, a nice person. It could also mean appropriate, respectable, socially acceptable, as in, a girl from a nice family. When you turn it into a noun, you get nicety, which can mean the quality of demonstrating or requiring precision or fine distinction (as in, the niceties of good manners); or it can mean a pleasantry—notably, an insincere one—as in, to observe all the conversational niceties. What about the nominal form niceness? Niceness is a quality you can have, but it’s not something you can inflict on someone else. You can’t do someone a niceness. (Y’all can’t see it but my writing suite is asking me “are you sure you don’t mean a kindness?”)
Nice is superficial. Nice describes the way someone or something appears on the surface. It is about manners and propriety. When you’re not nice, when you’re being the opposite of nice, then, what are you? You’re not un-nice. You might be disagreeable, or unpleasant. You might be mean. And when someone is mean, they’re selfish or stingy. Again, it’s superficial. A child who won’t share is mean. Mean, on the other hand, isn’t the right word for a murderer or a dictator.
Kind
Kind, on the other hand. It means to be sympathetic or helpful or gentle, as in, a kind person. To be kind is to be solicitous, considerate, and thoughtful. It’s nominal form is kindness, which is a quality you can have but also something you can do. You can visit kindness on someone else. You can commit an act of kindness.
Kind is genuine. Kind can describe someone’s intention or the effect of their action. Kindness considers the thoughts, feelings, and wishes of others and seeks to understand them. To be kind is to genuinely attempt to recognize someone’s needs and then meet them. The opposite of kind isn’t mean, but unkind. Where meanness is a superficial kind of unpleasantness, unkindness can do true harm. It has a wide range of meaning. To be unkind could mean to be lacking in sympathy or friendliness. But it could also mean cruelty. Malice.
Being nice rarely asks much from you, because niceness is passive. Being kind, on the other hand, can be demanding. Kindness requires action.
Applications for Each
Nice is not telling someone they have spinach in their teeth, so you don’t cause them to be embarrassed. Kind is telling them. It’s uncomfortable to tell them. They might feel embarrassed momentarily. But when you tell them you spare them more embarrassment later, at the cost of your own comfort. That’s kind.
Nice is reading someone’s work and telling them: “It’s great, I love it! Perfect! No notes!” Kind is giving thoughtful, considered feedback and constructive criticism to help them improve. Delivering constructive feedback can be uncomfortable if you are worried about hurting someone’s feelings, and besides that, it takes effort.
Delivering that quick “hey thumbs up yay so great!” feedback feels good for the person saying it. On the surface, it might feel good for the person hearing it, too. But to give that type of feedback is to admit that you didn’t give much thought to their work, didn’t devote your time to it, and don’t have any interest in helping them improve and succeed. If someone’s work is truly, in your opinion, above any reproach or criticism—then tell them in detail what the strengths were. Demonstrate kindness by putting effort into your response.
Nice will let a racist, sexist, or transphobic comment slide if no one in the immediate vicinity seems hurt by it, rather than rock the boat and make the commenter feel bad. Nice asks, “Why call out the person who just made an anti-Semitic joke, when there are no Jewish people nearby to be hurt or offended? That would just embarrass them. I know they don’t really mean it. That’s just how they are. And I don’t want to be the killjoy in my friend group.”
Kindness is speaking up. Kindness is knowing that to let this comment pass is to approve and condone a culture of unkindness and real harm. Kindness is knowing that giving someone a pass for bad behavior might spare them embarrassment in the moment but isn’t treating them with kindness. If they genuinely don’t know that their behavior is objectionable, then they have no way to grow out of it. If they do know that their behavior is objectionable and choose to behave that way anyway—then I suggest that you may not be showing kindness to yourself by maintaining a friendship with them.
I have experienced all three of the above scenarios. I’ve been on the giving end and on the receiving end of all of them. There’s opportunity for kindness and unkindness, on both sides. Kindness isn’t just a quality of behavior that you offer; it is also a quality of behavior that you receive. Act with kindness. React with kindness.
It’s not easy to call out a person for making an off-color comment when that person is your friend. Especially in front of a group of your other friends. I’ve done this and had friends turn around and go to town on me for being self-righteous and unsupportive. I think that gently but firmly addressing discriminatory behavior is kind. The person whose behavior I addressed disagreed with me. Their reaction was unkind.
Conversely, I’ve had bad behavior of my own called out. Sometimes my bad behavior has come from a place of uncaring and sometimes from a place of ignorance. It feels bad to be called out on unkind behavior. It’s normal to have a defensive reaction. Give yourself a moment to experience the defensiveness and then let it go. Try to understand that someone who respectfully calls out your behavior is coming from a place of kindness and try to receive their feedback and respond in a kind way as well. I don’t always succeed at this. There’s no one out there whose kindness game couldn’t improve. Even Fred Rogers, kindness paragon, could have looked back and found times when he might have done better.
It’s not nice to end a friendship, but it can be kind. For them and for you.
So is it ever good to be nice? Definitely. It’s probably in the best interest of your career to be nice in your workplace, whether you put effort into being kind there or not. I think professionalism and niceness really go hand in hand. They both describe the exterior, the conduct, the impression people get of your behavior. It’s great to be nice, show that pleasant surface affect, as long as you are also being kind. You can’t always be both, but when you can you should. Good behavior on the outside. Good intentions on the inside.
And there are circumstances where you should not be kind, or not feel pressured to be kind. You never owe kindness to someone who has abused you or is abusing you. Do not bow to pressure from others to “be the bigger person” or “forgive and forget.” Showing kindness to your abuser, unless it is your personal choice to do so, is not showing kindness to yourself.
Sometimes it’s impossible to be both, and you might have to choose between being nice and being kind—as outlined in some of the above scenarios. Choose kindness if you can and when it’s safe to do so. Above all, try not to be unkind if you can help it.
Wage Guerilla Kindness
Waging guerilla kindness—well, waging guerilla anything, I guess—means to do so in an impromptu, unauthorized, and completely unanticipated manner. This type of kindness is my favorite to commit.
You are a soldier on the losing side of the kindness war. The opposing force is larger and better organized, their weaponry far more advanced. You’ve got pointy sticks and they’ve got laser guns. They’re well-fed, well-funded, and well-trained in the art of unkindness. But you have mobility and the element of surprise. This is foquismo. Get in the kindness vanguard.
Your target: Those who don’t expect kindness generally or who aren’t expecting it from you. An acquaintance, a stranger, maybe a friend you haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time. Reach out. Be the thing that comes out of the blue and makes someone’s day. Even if it’s just a small act to show someone that you’re thinking of them and you care about them. It can make a disproportionate difference for someone who didn’t expect it.
As you’re arriving here, at the end of this article, I hope you’re considering what you’ve read. Not only about the semantic difference between some words you may have previously considered synonyms, but also about the implications for the choices you make. I hope any of the information that you’ve read herein helps encourage you to spread a little more kindness than what you would otherwise have done. I hope people are kind to you in return. If you need a little kindness boost you can always reach out to Catherine from Shelf Life. I usually have some extra lying around.
TL;DR: Be kind. It’s gangster.
Coming up Thursday—I think you will really enjoy what I have in store. I’ve got a game of writer’s poker in mind, and I want to play it with you. Please stop by this little corner of the web later in the week or subscribe to have the cards dealt right to your inbox. I’m looking forward to talking with you soon.
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One of your points is that you have to recognize someone's needs before you can act kindly to meet that need. That's an "active effort", too. Keeping yourself in the mode to see what you can do for someone.