My Five Favorite Insults
Insults That Aren’t, Actually
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
—Eleanor Roosevelt
Good morning and welcome to Shelf Life, where we are still using the Chivo font because it makes us sound serious. By “us” I mean “me.” I promise you I am taking this seriously.
Today’s Shelf Life is one of these ones that is not about writing and is just about a random topic, though I’m sure if you try hard you can find a way to make it about writing in your own mind. Smart people like to think we are not easily fooled but smart people are also excellent at justifying things to ourselves, which is, in essence, fooling ourselves. I assume Shelf Life readers are all really smart because why else would you read this?
So today I’m writing about my five favorite insults. Perhaps it’s weird to have favorite insults. (“Weird” made the list, actually.) These are, in my view, not actually insults—people just throw them around like they’re insults. When I hear one of these lobbed at myself or someone nearby I kind of snicker internally because I don’t find them insulting at all. I take them as compliments, actually, regardless of the speaker’s intention.
First of all, anything can be an insult if you take it wrong and anything can be a compliment if you take it as a compliment.
“You look lovely today.”
For example, someone may take that as a the compliment it was intended as, or someone may interpret it ungenerously: “Oh, so you think I don’t look lovely on other days?” Someone who wants to be insulted will find a way to be insulted. Conversely, someone who refuses to be insulted won’t be insulted, no matter what you say. You could say to me:
“Wow your hair looks awful today.”
And I could just as easily be an optimist and choose to interpret that to mean “they think my hair looks good on other days” just as the pessimist in the previous paragraph chose to take a compliment as an insult. There are two components: The way the speaker intended the comment and the way the listener receives the comment. You can’t control what other people say when they are speaking but you can control—or attempt to control—your reaction.
Reality is subjective. But within that subjective reality, my hair looks objectively amazing every day, and I know that, so no matter what anyone says about my hair I don’t get insulted.
For real, look at my hair.
Before I list my top five, I have one more thing to add about insults. When someone is deliberately attempting to insult you, and you take their comment as neutral or complimentary, that really gets under their skin. Take that truth and do what you will with it.
1. “You Have a High Opinion of Yourself”
Yes, of course I do. Why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t anyone? Everyone should have a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
Those with a high level of self-esteem enjoy tons of benefits. See, for example, Orth and Robbins’ meta-analysis in American Psychologist: “a voluminous body of research suggests that high self-esteem helps individuals adapt to and succeed in a variety of life domains, including having more satisfying relationships, performing better at school and work, enjoying improved mental and physical health, and refraining from antisocial behavior.”
Further, when someone has a healthy level of self-esteem, it’s harder for predatory people to manipulate and take advantage of them.
If someone tells you they think you have a high opinion of yourself, you can take that as a compliment. If they meant it as an insult, it’s because they think you ought to have a lower self-worth. Ask yourself why anyone would want that for you.
2. “You’re So Lazy”
I am not lazy and neither are you and neither is anybody. Anytime you feel “lazy”—or someone accuses you of laziness—remind yourself that you are the apex predator of this planet and if your needs are met—if you have food, clean water, shelter, meaningful social relationships, and so on—then “laziness” is your natural state.
Okay okay the polar bear is the apex predator of this planet. But other than the polar bear, who you are unlikely to encounter in everyday life, you are the planetary apex predator.
The notion that humans should be busy and productive all the time is a product of late-stage capitalism and not the natural state of humans. If you keep working away, hustling and being industrious, after your needs and wants are satisfied, then you’re only doing it to enrich someone else. Why in the world would you do that when you can sun yourself on a rock?
Look, if I’m sitting around doing nothing it’s not because I’m lazy. It’s because I’m so efficient and effective that I finished everything I needed to do and now I am sunning myself on a rock as the good Lorde intended.
3. “You’re Not Taking This Seriously”
I confess: Sometimes I don’t take things seriously even when, probably, I should. Most of the time, though, I take things as seriously they deserve—but I keep my sense of humor about me and I don’t withhold it when I’m under stress.
The criticism that I’m not taking something seriously doesn’t necessarily mean the other party thinks I’m joking around about it; sometimes it also means I’m not demonstrating the level of stress or concern they think the situation deserves, or I’m not as worried as they think I should be.
I’m working on a theory: When someone suggests that I (or you, or anyone) should take something “more seriously,” what they are saying is they want you to demonstrate your seriousness in a way they are comfortable with.
This is not to say that lighthearted jokes at a funeral or gallows humor at a baby shower are appropriate; they’re usually not—so read the room and if in doubt don’t let it out(side your brain). That acknowledged, I don’t think it’s ever one person’s responsibility to manage another person’s comfort by performing stress for them.
You can take something seriously even if you don’t demonstrate outward signs of stress. You can take something seriously even if you keep your sense of humor around the situation. I no longer consider it an insult or even a real criticism when someone suggests I should take a situation more seriously based on my stress level or demeanor: I can take something seriously even if my version of serious doesn’t look the same as someone else’s.
4. “You’re Such a Nerd”
If being a nerd is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Let’s take a moment to consider Merriam-Webster’s definition of a nerd:
When a person makes a critical accusation of nerdiness, they’re trying to launch an insult based on the idea that—what? Their target is interested and enthusiastic about something? That someone takes joy in learning new things? That a person is excited about their hobby or passion?
I mean, look at the examples in the M-W definition. What’s wrong with listening to musicals, reading Shakespeare, enjoying Isaac Asimov, or being interested in learning technology? I have my concerns about Neil deGrasse Tyson as a person but his nerdiness is not one of them.
Nerd, geek, Poindexter—these “insults” stem from one of two places:
The insulter is jealous of your genuine enthusiasm for or well of knowledge about something; or
The insulter doesn’t understand why you enjoy learning and growing.
Either way, this insult doesn’t say anything about the target and only says something about the person doing the (attempted) insulting.
5. “Well That's Different”
I call this The MIL Special because it was my former mother-in-law’s favorite phrase to euphemistically express “that’s weird and/or socially unacceptable, and, frankly, my dear, I do not approve.”
Cut off my long hair to sport a pixie cut: “Well that’s different.”
My friend has a nose ring: “Well that’s different.”
I’m an atheist and I won’t go to church with you: “Well that’s different.”
I’m not interested in having children: “Well that’s certainly different.”
I don’t know if this was the Northeastern Pennsylvania equivalent of the Southern “well bless their heart” or if it was unique to my MIL. In my early twenties it used to drive me up the wall. I never knew what I would say or do or wear that would result in the dreaded “well that’s different” of disapproval.
Obviously this is not the only phrase used to express disapproval or or disagreement with someone’s life or style choices. That one just particularly got under my skin because—naturally—mother in law. The MIL Special might also sound like:
I don’t understand why you would make this decision.
That’s not what I would have done.
I liked [the other thing/the old way] better.
Sometime in my mid- or late twenties I experienced a paradigm shift when I realized two things:
There’s nothing wrong with being “different”; in fact, it’s a good thing.
I don’t need or want anyone’s approval of my life and style choices.
At this point in my life, if I get the “well that’s different” or any of its variants, I respond “Yes! Thank you!” There’s nothing wrong with having things in common with others and there’s nothing wrong with being different. All of us are like others and different from others in infinite ways. “That’s different” is a total noninsult.
In conclusion: If you would like to make my day, please tell me I’m overconfident, lazy, weird, different, and funny. In the meantime, you can find me sunning myself on a rock if you need anything.
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I really liked this article! I think "I am an apex predator" is going to be my new mantra I mumble to myself for moral.