How to Say No
To Things You Do and Don’t Want to Do
I’m recently back from my annual turkey-related migration to Nashville. This year, due to scheduling conflicts, airfare prices, and bad judgment I traveled on the day before Thanksgiving and it was bonkers, but I flew back on Saturday and missed out on the busiest travel day in US airport history. The annual Thanksgiving human migration in the United States but China has an annual travel holiday that moves more than seven times as many people (Chunyun) and I wasn’t traveling in that so that’s what I’m thankful for.
Here are the things I brought back from my trip to Nashville:
Fancy cooking knife,
Dirty laundry,
Nasty head cold,
Idea for Shelf Life from my stepmother.
I’m thankful for half of the above.
While I was visiting with my folks, we were talking about how it’s difficult for some people to say no and I said: “It’s not difficult for me, I love saying no to stuff”; so she said, “You should write an article about how to say no for the people who don’t like doing it.” And here we are.
Step 1: Don’t be a people pleaser. Just kidding—I know it’s not exactly easy to stop being a people-pleaser. Personally I don’t have the people-pleasing tendency that many people have. When I say people-pleaser I mean someone who is afraid of conflict and avoids it like the plague, which leads to challenges like:
Difficulty enforcing boundaries (enforcing boundaries means saying “no”).
Agreeing with others’ opinions, even when you feel otherwise, to avoid disagreements.
Agreeing to do things you don’t want to do, to avoid telling anyone no.
Being a people-pleaser isn’t the only reason it might be hard to say no but it’s a big one. Other reasons it may be difficult to say no to someone or something include:
You actually want to do whatever it is, but you know you reasonably cannot.
You want to give the impression that you’re a go-getter who will take on any task, for instance, at work.
That last bullet is different from people-pleasing. In the workplace you may behave that way not to please others but to better your chances of advancement. Since we all have to eat to live we can file this under “self-care practices.”
Anyway, whatever reason you have to avoid saying no, I’m going to share some strategies for how to say no that, I hope, will take some of the dread out of it and maybe even inject some delight into saying no to stuff.
Strategy 1: Deflect in the Moment
This is a strategy I learned from my very excellent boss and it’s simply the best strategy for those who have trouble saying no at the moment of being asked to do something. Maybe the person asking you is dear to you and you don’t want to hurt their feelings, or maybe they’re a strong personality and they don’t easily accept a no, or maybe you can’t think of a good reason to say no on the spot. Here’s the first strategy: You don’t have to say no right on the spot but you also don’t say yes.
You got to hit them with that let me get back to you with an answer. Here is an example:
Friend: Hey we’re having a party on Friday, can you come?
You: That sounds fun, I will need to check my schedule and get back to you!
In this example, you respond with a positive because you’re talking to someone you’re friendly with (that their plan sounds fun) and then you avoid answering the question till you have a chance to consider it.
Another example:
Colleague: So can you meet this deadline?
You: I will check on my other projects then tell you for sure. Let me see what I can do.
In the workplace I avoid giving the impression of a yes (“I’d love to! Let me just make sure!”) even if my ultimate response might be a yes (and especially if I know I’m going to have to say no). I keep the initial response neutral. My go-to line at work is “Let me look into what’s possible and get back to you.” If the person who is pressing you for something work-related is not your boss you can also use the time-honored “Let me discuss priorities with my boss and get back to you.” Invoke whoever you have to so you don’t get pinned down to a firm answer in the on the spot.
Final example:
Church Lady: What are you bringing to the bake sale?
You: Thanks for the reminder. I’ll talk with my sister and let you know.
In this example someone has already assumed you’re going to say yes. This is one of those high-pressure sales tactics that makes my skin crawl. I learned at my first sales job: Never ask “Would you like to buy this?” (for which “no” is a possible answer) but instead “How many would you like?” or “Which of these are you taking home today?” (which presuppose the customer will buy something).
As in the first example, I suggest responding with something positive first (saying “thanks” as an automatic response to someone asking for something will be explained in the next section) and then deflecting to a third party who is not in the immediate vicinity right now. Not everyone has a sister but hopefully everyone has a someone—a friend, parent, child, spouse, sibling, roommate, or whoever—who you could reasonably need to check with before committing to something.
You don’t need to actually check with the someone. You don’t need to reference your sister when you get back to church lady to tell her you’re not participating in the bake sale. The important thing in all of the above examples is to avoid giving your answer on the spot because that’s when it’s easiest to be pressured into saying yes. Pleasantly but firmly let the person know you will tell them your answer later. That gives you time to plan out your answer, psych yourself up to say no, make up an excuse, or whatever you need to do.
Strategy 2: Preface It With a Positive
People aren’t stupid and I’ve said before that the compliment sandwich is an often-misused and misunderstood method of delivering criticism. However. When you’re going to tell someone no, I think a kind thing to do is preface your no with a positive statement. For me this is often an expression of thanks, as in:
Thanks for thinking of me for this opportunity, but I have to decline.
Thanks for inviting me, but I’m going to pass.
Thank you for the reminder, but I can’t make it.
Like an Academy Award hopeful, I proceed from the understanding that it was an honor just to be nominated (for whatever this person wanted me to do). If someone asks me to do a challenging work task, that’s an expression of confidence in my ability to do the job. Thank you. Inviting me to your party means you think I’m cool, thank you. I always thank people for reminding me about stuff because I can be forgetful and I genuinely appreciate being reminded ahead of time. When in doubt, “Thanks for letting me know” or “Thanks for reminding me” usually work.
It doesn’t have to be “thanks,” it can be another positive like “That sounds so fun” or “Wow, that’s a great idea.”
You can also handle it like the above mentioned “compliment sandwich” and wrap up with something positive, too.
I’m sorry to miss it.
Have a wonderful time.
I’m sure the bake sale will be a big success.
Strategy 3: Don’t JADE It
Stop me if you’ve heard this before: No is a complete sentence. Well, grammatically it really isn’t since it doesn’t have a subject or a verb. But in practice, no is a complete sentence. All you have to tell someone is no. Anything else you add to your no is optional and most of the time it’s better not to add a bunch of extras.
JADE is an acronym borrowed from Al-Anon that means:
Justify,
Argue,
Defend, or
Explain.
For our purposes today of getting great at saying no: You don’t have to justify, argue, defend, or explain your no. In fact, you should actively avoid doing that and setting the precedent that you will provide a defense of or explanation whenever you give a negative response.
If you have a reason why you can’t do something, help with something, or make it to something, then by all means share that reason if you are speaking to someone you’re friendly with (friends, friendly acquaintances, sometimes family members): “Oh I wish I could but I’ll be in Wisconsin building houses with Jimmy Carter that day.” That’s fine.
If you don’t have a reason, you don’t need to make one up. Vague but truthful statements are easy and work well and don’t put you at risk of being caught in a white lie:
I can’t make it. (It can be true that you can’t make it because you don’t want to.)
I have a prior commitment. (Your prior commitment might be staying home by yourself.)
I have a lot going on. (We all have a lot going on, this is universally true.)
Don’t tell someone you’re going to be building Habitats for Humanity with Jimmy Carter and then have Jimmy Carter post on Facebook that he’s staying home and reading a book that day. There’s no need to be specific. What are you going to do if Jimmy Carter dies before the bake sale? Then you’ll have no excuse and you’ll have to make brownies.
I’m also a fan of the response that doesn’t give even a vague reason:
I have to decline.
I’m going to pass.
Here’s the important part: If you give a reason for saying no (if you JADE your no), then the other person has the opportunity to argue with that reason. Not everyone will do that; people who respect you will not do that. People who don’t respect you are exactly the kind of people you should say no to. But anyway, if you don’t provide a reason, there’s nothing for them to argue with you about.
You: No, I can’t make it. I’m working that day.
Them: Can’t you take the day off?
You: No, I’m really busy at work right now.
Them: But this is so important, can you talk to your boss?
Here’s another example taken from a real conversation I had with a person at a bar:
Them: Can I buy you a drink?
Me: No.
Them: Why not?
Me: I’m not interested.
I know from experience that people will find a way to argue with any reason you give them:
“I’m the designated driver.” (I’ll pay for your Ubers.)
“I have a significant other.” (It’s just a drink, not a marriage proposal.)
“I don’t drink.” (Then I’ll buy you dinner.)
There is no argument against “I’m not interested.” What are they going to say, “Yes you are”? There’s no external factor they can mitigate or obstacle they can remove to turn it into a yes. This is probably not the thing to say to someone you want to have a good relationship with after the fact but it works really well with people whose feelings don’t matter (see above, ie, people who don’t respect you).
Strategy 4: Say It Promptly
If you hate to say no you may find you put it off till the last minute. This is a normal human response to unpleasant tasks. Congratulations! Your brain is working as expected.
However, almost anything that can be declined—an invitation to go somewhere, a request for help, a task at work—is better declined sooner than later. This is not meant to contradict Strategy 1—you should still hit pause on giving a response until you can collect your thoughts and decide whether you want to say yes or no—but you should follow up with your response (especially a no) quickly thereafter.
The person you’re saying no to can recover from your negative response quicker and more easily the earlier they get it. If you say no to a job offer, the employer can get another candidate before everybody disperses. If you say no to an invitation, the host can invite someone else or better plan for the final headcount. If you say no to a request to help your friend move, your friend has more time to find someone else to help.
If you put off saying no till the last minute because it’s unpleasant for you, you are more likely to get an unhappy response from the person you said no to because now they have to scramble. Their unhappy response will reinforce that you don’t like to say no. You’ll be even more reluctant next time. Tell people no as soon as you can. They’ll appreciate that you let them know quickly and over time you’ll build more positive reinforcement.
Strategy 5: Give a Hint About Being Asked Again
This is advanced-level no-saying (not to be confused with naysaying, at which I am also advanced level). When you say no to something, it may be that
You would like to say yes but circumstances don’t allow. In this case, you may say yes if asked again in the future when circumstances are different.
You really have no interest in whatever it is, and so your answer to this question will always be no regardless of circumstance.
In the above situations, I find it’s helpful to indicate to the person I’m saying no to whether I’m receptive or not to being asked again in the future. This ensures I stay on everyone’s party invite list and that I have to give fewer nos in the future because I filter out repeat requests that will always result in a no.
Here are some examples that put together several of the strategies above.
Declining a Job Offer
“Thanks for considering me, but I have to decline this position. I hope you will keep me in mind for future opportunities at WidgetCo.” Note that they probably will not keep you in mind unless you share your reason for declining (and maybe not even then). This is a response I might give after negotiation with a company didn’t get to the salary range I needed, for instance.
“I don’t believe WidgetCo is the right fit, but thanks for your time and consideration.”
Declining a Party Invitation
“Thanks for inviting me, but I can’t make this one. Please invite me again next time.”
“Thanks for inviting me. Parties aren’t really my thing, but maybe you and I can grab lunch sometime.” This gently indicates you probably will never say yes to a party invitation but would be open to an invitation for a different social activity.
“Thanks for inviting me. I’m not really a party animal but I hope you all have fun.” This indicates you will probably never say yes to a party invitation and does not offer an alternative suggestion. I would use this response if I was not interested in becoming closer friends with someone.
Declining to Make Anything for the Bake Sale
“Thanks for the reminder. I can’t make anything this time around but let me know next time you’re doing a bake sale. I hope it’s a big success!”
“Thanks for the reminder. I don’t bake, but feel free to let me know if you host a different type of fundraiser in the future.”
Shelf Life reminds you that a valid way to support a bake sale without baking anything is by buying baked goods from the bake sale. It takes all kinds to make a world.
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